Identifying a character of mine. So the past two weeks I have been making the same mistake of, with the sudden influx of invitations to speak, speak a lot. And in this entertain my own want/need/desire to talk with people, without commitment of any kind. Because every speech has been to/towards people that do not even say their name, or do anything. All of them were people dressed up, acting, timing their movement to talk to me, actually provoking me to talk with them about me, nonstop for the past two weeks.
The point I need to support myself is how I have been selfish and with the opportunity to talk with lots of people = I took that opportunity to entertain myself for the past two weeks, with the consequence seemingly of being misidentified as some kind of dangerous person.
Want/need/desire to speak with “new” people
Problem in the personal. Instead of supporting myself in reality, I separate myself each time I follow my own desire to talk to more people, like porn I feed myself a mental drug, that separate me from reality. And in the physical logistics point, I actually walk out and hti and run with these people for two weeks…. I spent a lot of time talking to these people in my thoughts – so I think a lot more, feed a lot more mental drugs to myself – spent a lot of time pondering where to eat, walking wherever.
So before this, I was practicing my writing skill to be honest with myself, while dealing with food point as simple as possible. After this, one day would be hours spent on eating, where to eat, talking in my thoughts and only talking to people that can read my thoughts so I don’t even have to bother speaking, writing to deal with my reactions around each point. Because within this change, I discovered some shocking stuff about how this world really works. So also a lot of thinking as reacting to/towards ordering food, deciding where to eat, what people I will meet, what messages I will be forced to hear, what insults I will hear next, what requests from me will I hear next, what threats will I face next in terms of verbal rich kid future etc. threats. And in between my ideas about brands and foods challenged, my idea of trust challenged, I learnt about the practical logistics of listening to others.
So not only spending much more time on activities not directly supporting me, like writing, also the attitude I hold towards each moment. Suddenly feeling myself to be in a lot of danger, the food point, the people acting and dressing up point, the super timing of cars and people point, having people continuously comment on what I do at home point and being insulted at every angle point, my honesty with myself judged point which is the me judging my own self honesty point.
A bit off point.
The more I spoke to these people, the more people cleverly interrogate me, the more I am subverted from my original set goal of being honest with myself through writing and going as deep in one point and focus until I get the point. Much of my programs activated frequently throughout a day, by people with a specific purpose to “drill” and “scavenge” in my head for something. While doing my activities, preventing and addressing where I can, such attempts which are relentless. And in this, the interrogations obviously take a lot of time, and plus thinking about why I am being interrogated, my own self definition of “good person” challenged, being treated by an entire city as if I am already criminal, also take a lot of time.
Increased levels of fear. Because this group of people, they intruded on my world, and I have to in real time, keep on doing something about each kind of action they decide on. I don’t know what they are going to do to me, I don’t know what I will eat in terms of the drug point, the further poke and prod with people acting point, and nowadays virtually every person I meet is purposely trying to interrogate me. So also fear because before, no one was strip searching me mentally everyone was doing their thing, THEN everyone is strip searching me mentally, ALL of the time.
I also changed the way I participate in any given moment, and based how I participate on these new people and their agenda, in this setting aside my own agenda to have this want/need/desire dominate within me. So I got more angry, look at people with a big question mark, walk quickly to get activities outside over and done with to stop being harassed, reacting a lot more while walking because virtually every person I meet now is an actor with specific purpose to shake me.
The nature of my thoughts also changed, according to some mechanism where people would program statements into my head, so they would just come up, and then sometimes I wonder, “is this me speaking, can I trust this thought?”, and when I write the difference is MUCH clearer: there are people that know something about my Mind to program statements, and the problem for me in the personal is I might lose my life, just because of a person’s faulty reasoning and their self sabotage to get me to say the right things to tick the boxes and send me away.
The personalities I expose myself to are different now. That is obvious because from my usual range of input, the input has been completely altered, so given that my Mind remains here because I remain here, obviously some personalities won’t come out because the trigger isn’t there. So with following the want/need/desire to speak to people, what were the different inputs?
– everyone colour codes themselves now, different shirts
– everyone times their movements and tend to run to get in front of me
– everyone wants me to see them
– everyone is wanting me to look at stuff to talk to my ego through this stuff
– watching everyone thrusting their pelvis, sometimes for orgasm sometimes to test me, because of A LOT of triggers
– waking up to voices telling me to wake up in the morning, getting me to get to work apparently
– everyone with the specific purpose to insult me everywhere even while I’m showering and sleeping and waking up
– everyone wanting to direct me to what they want me to see
– everyone with coloured eyebrows
– everyone with a similar physical expression, so obviously coming from the same group
– everyone looking at me as if to screen me
– everyone telling me what I should eat and what I shouldn’t
– everyone wanting to tell me something at the same time everywhere
– everyone timing their messages so they don’t clash
– everyone picking about what I am and instead of keeping such things in thoughts, telling me in a hit and run
– everyone wanting to paint a picture for me to tell me something
– everyone wanting me to pick up the phone as opinionate me vocabulary like them, so that they can talk to me without talking to me
– eating food becoming a life lesson at the same time directing myself through pokes and prods
– everyone subtitling everything
– everyone having an interest to investigate me some way
So with speaking with new people, these ones from some group, I changed my activities upside down, and a lot more emotions/feelings were activated which created a smog effect because I also did not effectively deal with them in myself. Within this, fear is the point that basically changed the way I participate. The nature of my thoughts changed, from a reflection of my personalities to more of what kind of personalities others want to be emphasized in me, which is true because the strip search poke prod is with the purpose of seeing if any part of me is dangerous.