Day 3: The Consequence of Picking The Wrong People To Speak To

Identifying a character of mine.  So the past two weeks I have been making the same mistake of, with the sudden influx of invitations to speak, speak a lot.  And in this entertain my own want/need/desire to talk with people, without commitment of any kind.  Because every speech has been to/towards people that do not even say their name, or do anything.  All of them were people dressed up, acting, timing their movement to talk to me, actually provoking me to talk with them about me, nonstop for the past two weeks.

The point I need to support myself is how I have been selfish and with the opportunity to talk with lots of people = I took that opportunity to entertain myself for the past two weeks, with the consequence seemingly of being misidentified as some kind of dangerous person.

Want/need/desire to speak with “new” people

Problem in the personal.  Instead of supporting myself in reality, I separate myself each time I follow my own desire to talk to more people, like porn I feed myself a mental drug, that separate me from reality.  And in the physical logistics point, I actually walk out and hti and run with these people for two weeks….  I spent a lot of time talking to these people in my thoughts – so I think a lot more, feed a lot more mental drugs to myself – spent a lot of time pondering where to eat, walking wherever.

So before this, I was practicing my writing skill to be honest with myself, while dealing with food point as simple as possible.  After this, one day would be hours spent on eating, where to eat, talking in my thoughts and only talking to people that can read my thoughts so I don’t even have to bother speaking, writing to deal with my reactions around each point.  Because within this change, I discovered some shocking stuff about how this world really works.  So also a lot of thinking as reacting to/towards ordering food, deciding where to eat, what people I will meet, what messages I will be forced to hear, what insults I will hear next, what requests from me will I hear next, what threats will I face next in terms of verbal rich kid future etc. threats.  And in between my ideas about brands and foods challenged, my idea of trust challenged, I learnt about the practical logistics of listening to others.

So not only spending much more time on activities not directly supporting me, like writing, also the attitude I hold towards each moment.  Suddenly feeling myself to be in a lot of danger, the food point, the people acting and dressing up point, the super timing of cars and people point, having people continuously comment on what I do at home point and being insulted at every angle point, my honesty with myself judged point which is the me judging my own self honesty point.

A bit off point.

The more I spoke to these people, the more people cleverly interrogate me, the more I am subverted from my original set goal of being honest with myself through writing and going as deep in one point and focus until I get the point.  Much of my programs activated frequently throughout a day, by people with a specific purpose to “drill” and “scavenge” in my head for something.  While doing my activities, preventing and addressing where I can, such attempts which are relentless.  And in this, the interrogations obviously take a lot of time, and plus thinking about why I am being interrogated, my own self definition of “good person” challenged, being treated by an entire city as if I am already criminal, also take a lot of time.

Increased levels of fear.  Because this group of people, they intruded on my world, and I have to in real time, keep on doing something about each kind of action they decide on.  I don’t know what they are going to do to me, I don’t know what I will eat in terms of the drug point, the further poke and prod with people acting point, and nowadays virtually every person I meet is purposely trying to interrogate me.  So also fear because before, no one was strip searching me mentally everyone was doing their thing, THEN everyone is strip searching me mentally, ALL of the time.

I also changed the way I participate in any given moment, and based how I participate on these new people and their agenda, in this setting aside my own agenda to have this want/need/desire dominate within me.  So I got more angry, look at people with a big question mark, walk quickly to get activities outside over and done with to stop being harassed, reacting a lot more while walking because virtually every person I meet now is an actor with specific purpose to shake me.

The nature of my thoughts also changed, according to some mechanism where people would program statements into my head, so they would just come up, and then sometimes I wonder, “is this me speaking, can I trust this thought?”, and when I write the difference is MUCH clearer: there are people that know something about my Mind to program statements, and the problem for me in the personal is I might lose my life, just because of a person’s faulty reasoning and their self sabotage to get me to say the right things to tick the boxes and send me away.

The personalities I expose myself to are different now.  That is obvious because from my usual range of input, the input has been completely altered, so given that my Mind remains here because I remain here, obviously some personalities won’t come out because the trigger isn’t there.  So with following the want/need/desire to speak to people, what were the different inputs?

– everyone colour codes themselves now, different shirts
– everyone times their movements and tend to run to get in front of me
– everyone wants me to see them
– everyone is wanting me to look at stuff to talk to my ego through this stuff
– watching everyone thrusting their pelvis, sometimes for orgasm sometimes to test me, because of A LOT of triggers
– waking up to voices telling me to wake up in the morning, getting me to get to work apparently
– everyone with the specific purpose to insult me everywhere even while I’m showering and sleeping and waking up
– everyone wanting to direct me to what they want me to see
– everyone with coloured eyebrows
– everyone with a similar physical expression, so obviously coming from the same group
– everyone looking at me as if to screen me
– everyone telling me what I should eat and what I shouldn’t
– everyone wanting to tell me something at the same time everywhere
– everyone timing their messages so they don’t clash
– everyone picking about what I am and instead of keeping such things in thoughts, telling me in a hit and run
– everyone wanting to paint a picture for me to tell me something
– everyone wanting me to pick up the phone as opinionate me vocabulary like them, so that they can talk to me without talking to me
– eating food becoming a life lesson at the same time directing myself through pokes and prods
– everyone subtitling everything
– everyone having an interest to investigate me some way

So with speaking with new people, these ones from some group, I changed my activities upside down, and a lot more emotions/feelings were activated which created a smog effect because I also did not effectively deal with them in myself.  Within this, fear is the point that basically changed the way I participate.  The nature of my thoughts changed, from a reflection of my personalities to more of what kind of personalities others want to be emphasized in me, which is true because the strip search poke prod is with the purpose of seeing if any part of me is dangerous.

Day 3: Eyesight Messaging

trigger point

So from one morning where I have been poked and prodded again by psychologists, I found out that they found a trigger in me to direct my eyesight to what they want me to see.  Perhaps, they even did this from the very beginning.

So immediately my first question is: why the fuck are they abusing a part of my program, where if they found such a trigger in themselves, they would not go abusing their own trigger?  Now that I write this out instead of thinking about it, it becomes obvious = greed, profit, energy fix, two sides of the same coin.

So the trigger point has been a person “orgasming” to a weird trigger, like eating noodles.

In this, I found out a few facts.  One fact is there are in fact people that really get a fix on seeing a person eating noodles, under certain specific conditions.  As if they had sex without the foreplay or the bedroom or the time = it’s all done in “mind time” and the orgasm is rather immediate.  I’ve heard it said from one person that it “saves time”.

Another fact is I have these bloody Love and Light psychologists blindly testing this out, thrusting nonsensically with everything and everyone I see and interact with.  And within this, they are also thrusting to essentially fuck with my program by controlling what I see and hear, but primarily only that.

In this, another fact is each Self has their own directive principle, independent of skill, where I cannot decide for you, and you cannot decide for me.  So this point has always remained here, yet because of my own Mind, from birth and living this fact as myself, I somehow separated myself from this fact, only to realise that I have to take self responsibility, even for this one fact.  And from “taking the hard route” and separating myself from this one fact, I realise how important this “my own decision” is, it’s the application of “some things you will treasure much more if you understand for yourself through your own direct experience”.

So in this, another fact.  Both “factions” are basically trying to give me advice on who I should be.  One faction is Love and Light possessed, and has limited capacity of triggering my program.  The other is no longer smoking this cigarette, and so has “more” capacity to trigger my program.  In this, both are only manipulating what I already accepted and allowed, what is already here as myself.  So I can’t say that they are “intruding” or “intrusive” because it’s like if I were a house and I designed a door, it doesn’t matter which people go through the door, I designed it in the first place, it will obviously be used – I should have taken responsibility for myself before I etched this “door” into my living words.

Problem

The problem is that when I react to some of what I see, which is practically expected given that BOTH are looking for a reaction of some sort – so they will, given that I enslaved myself to my program, :”force” me to activate parts of my program without any understanding of the similarity between this and a physical lobotomy where one poke a drill into one’s head/mind until the person becomes what you want them to be.  BOTH create “inflammatory” messages, in a position where they see my program and, in a way, in a “higher” position of responsibility, for their own profit/self interest, they keep looking for a negative outcome to justify their own conclusions.

Expanding on how I am the problem.  The problem as myself is that I have layered these programs into myself, infected myself with opinions to an extent where I cannot immediately remove them all at once, to create the outcome where I no longer interpret all messages they direct me as “inflammatory” and also not be directed by their words/behaviours at all = where every single movement, including one instant of foot on the ground, becomes self directed.  So if I approach myself as the problem expecting to remove all of my program to exist in all situations = I know I’m dreaming and harming myself through separating myself into a “positive” imagination which in reality, reveals the positive imagination to be the most negative thing because if I immersed myself in a nightmare, something I don’t want to see actually, at least I will eventually want to stop smoking this imagination cigarette.  With the “positive” imagination, in this world I’ve seen people immersed in positive stuff for their entire life, so I can expect that I can technically delude myself for a lifetime.

So with all these programs, the only way I found any way of removing ONE of them, was through writing.  Far superior to any great thought I ever had in my entire life, plus any great thought recorded in writing that I did not read until 19 years later…  With writing though, obviously, I can only let go of one point at a time, but the interesting thing is as I develop my own starting point for writing = I begin to be able to direct myself more in real time, which is always the outcome that gives value to my writing, do I change in real-time or not.

In this, I also found out that the changes are not always something that will register to me until I have already changed.  My metric of what is change is also infected with opinions, like any other program that people are using.  This is true also because I was immersed in an education delusion where while I thought I was moving forward, I was actually devolving, one example = I always had my own decision, then somehow I became “unstable” with my own decision, while actually the whole time, every single tiny instant, making my own decisions = I exchanged self responsibility, which has no experience, for positive energy experiences.

So it’s like reading.  I thought the whole time – over years – that I was not understanding anything while reading, I was deluded by my mom’s story that I had weak reading comprehension, but from only reading profusely doing the actual reading = I absorbed an above average vocabulary.

Trigger = many people surrounding me like cling wrap activating my programs, then me leaving myself with the question, “how to direct myself in immediate reality, in an environment with people with the given purpose of triggering my programs”.  So the change is from people that sometimes activate, the people in my world kind of “went terminator” and decided to target me, my programs.

Problem in the personal.  With me, having all these programs, and others, always approaching me like ninjas doing hit and runs, I have not been sleeping too well.  Showering is a problem.  Always getting pretty girls to activate my perv program to substantiate it for example, I react in anger = I react in anger a lot more being that a lot more programs of mine are being triggered with only me having to deal with the negative outcomes to my participation and my own decision making ability in an instant, much more Energy clouds in my emotional weather system.  Always having voices transfer through TV and walls, so I’m practically woken up with voices in my head but I’ve found that half is actual voices and half is not, I get a bit confused about what I should listen to.

In the personal problem, I was also looking seemingly at a “big opportunity” to “accelerate” my learning about who I am.  The outcome is shocking = no change.  A lot of people got fucked, I did not change.  So fact: I was feeding myself a bullshit opportunity, from simply listening to these people I have never met, so I don’t know who they are at all I cannot trust them at all.  Yet for a long time I defined my entire routine to other people’s words/behaviours, so a lesson for myself is to not listen to what others say, be VERY careful where I place my trust, NO trust exists in the UNIVERSE, yet self trust can exist.  Now the problem I face is I’m saying “No” and a lot of people are saying “Yes you must let me fuck you and fuck up your personality into something you did not decide to become, through making you fear losing so much to do anything I say”.  The solution is simple in that I am one human being, all I can do is make my own decision and remain saying/living, “NO”.

In the personal problem, I also programmed into myself to “receive” this frequency of communication which is an illusion, where opinions are imposed onto words mostly, sometimes pictures and settings, and many people are raping me to become enslaved to this frequency, and force me to accumulate this fake vocabulary.  In the sense, that I wasn’t born to look at c to have the opinion that someone is telling me, “YOU SEE?”, the letter c is the letter c.  And an application of the fact that illusion = illusion, communication through an illusion = illusion, I’m being yelled at to become deluded by having this opinionated vocabulary.  A problem of this kind of vocabulary is I am not allowed to stop a conversation, people through activating my program can force their message, unlike a real conversation where one can stop speaking.  Another problem in the personal is everyone seems to be attuned to this vocabulary and act as one unit, so that the forced listening is pushed to an absolute extreme, everywhere I go = everyone is forcing their message and given that I created this circuitry to automatically translate = I am forced to hear.  In this, a problem created is I am more and more numb to my body, which is alarm bells ringing I’m getting delusional.

So the solution is to purify my vocabulary, stop symbolizing pictures and words into coherent messages, go back to a physical object remaining a physical object.  Because I infected my vocabulary with opinion, I must get the opinions out of my vocabulary back to the facts, one that should remain is characters just being a character.

Problem in the interpersonal.  I have a group of people actually living above my room, bored so they talk to me through the walls, and react to my thoughts to get me to react some more.  Majority of my actions are judged, so usually I would be able to meet a person and have a few of my actions judged, now that is brought to my home and everywhere I walk.

Before this, my programs were activated a lot less, but they were still within/as me.  So I was in a form of death.  When they were quickly activated often and daily I got extremely pissed.  I threw myself off my routine completely, I was walking everywhere, I discovered that eating out was not so simple.  My world has always been judging me all of the time, and that has had a consequence on everything that I was using.

Problems in the universal.  Because of my programs being activated, I brought to my own attention a lot of disharmony I was creating in even one single relationship with one person, and I became aware of how this consequence was always having consequences on every part of my life.  Within this, I saw myself as a problem creating problems in the universe, with no support in terms of what can I do to, step by step, walk out of this problem.  Because in a way, the problem is my entire personalities, and the personalities were created over years, and they are activating over a single day many times, and the primary tool I have is writing which is “much slower”, but it’s the quickest because it has been the only way where I did change some small parts of myself.

I was reacting to my own personalities.  I was judging myself as the fact that I cannot magically remove them now, to stop being a problem.  Meanwhile, I became aware of another fact that my personalities were creating immediate problems in my immediate reality, and in the process I lost all good faith on virtually everything I use.  I was reacting to the massive learning curve with nonverbal language.  I was brought to my attention how I was pissing off everyone I met basically, and everything I used could not be trusted.

Solution

Day 3: Do Not Judge No Matter How Smelly

Today the dog looked at me when I was thinking about how smelly I am, and I realised that the dog did not judge me no matter how smelly I was, in spite of her much increased sense of smell.

So a lesson for myself to learn is to not judge, and rather stop judging others.  So practically that would be stopping judging what I see/hear when I am deliberately misdirected by these psychologists, and when I react to forgive myself for reacting, and rather breathe out to let it go.  Because immediately I can’t remove the entire belief system around the reaction, but I can, like a burn, take my hand off the flame and let the Energy dissipate.

So within this, also not to react to my reaction in anger, or anything else.  It is rather easy to react to my reactions, especially after I react and I hear in short succession a snarky remark at me.  So in this I need to SLOW DOWN with breathing SLOWWWWW DOWWN

And to be more specific, direct myself to the outcome of being able to be called anything and let go of all reactions that may come up, which is simple if I slow down with breath because the reactions are one at a time.  This also implies basing who I am on what I call myself, rather than what others always call me.  The advantage is I place myself back in my own hands, instead of at the behest of other’s words to affect me.

Stop judging myself for being a rich kid, which my basic personality design is.

Day 2: Going Out To Abdicate Responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that because it is technically possible to skip all the formalities to talk about what I am, the other person can unexpectedly comment about what I am that throws me off my usual way of participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust into this person out of the excuse that this person looks like the people that hang around in the street where the restaurant is located.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people from the starting point of believing they are superior to me in directing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ability to direct myself is limited in comparison to the advice that everyone else together can possibly give me, and as a consequence, I create myself into/as an illusion that I apparently cannot decide for myself what to do, how to behave, and act as if I must always listen to every single instruction that everyone else says out of the excuse and knowledge/information that everyone else together, as an idea of them being together, will always be “a better human being” than me, in this deciding for myself to compare myself to justify in myself, why I should be “shaky” about the decisions I make, in spite that a real decision is an action taken in one breath, and my breathing in reality is always stable all of the time, and my own decision is always my own to make in one breath.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an idea in my head, that I conjured like smoke, breathing in my own smoke as the illusion that everyone together somehow adds into a “super human being” that I can compare myself to and always jump to the conclusion that they will always be better than me, and in my self interest of wanting to be a “better” human being, I lean on the words and behaviours of this idea that I project on everyone else at the direct cost of not making my own decisions, instead of, with my own awareness, deciding for myself what information sources to trust and the extent to which each word/behaviour affects my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the hope that by abdicating and separating myself from me as my own decision making ability, to follow a better human being, I will apparently evolve into a better human being, in spite of the knowledge/information that I will always go back to making my own decisions based on my own firsthand experiences, so why even bother trying to “be more” by abdicating moments of the way I participate, to an idea of better human beings which was an illusion that I projected and therefore blamed within/as projecting it out on everyone else.  So in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my “self direction” to everything and everyone else, in spite that I was born calm about the decisions I make with a natural trust in myself to learn from the mistakes I make, and gave some value to the mistakes I make by myself, and didn’t care about how many mistakes I made but made sure that what mistakes I did note, I corrected one at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self righteously declare war on myself, in which I judge myself as imperfect/”less than”/”inferior”, when I follow others first, generally out of the excuse that they might know more about X than me so I must follow them, and by following others I take up the opportunity to listen to myself such as simply being aware of my own words/behaviours every single moment, which I can barely remain aware of the fact that the way I breathe every single moment is specific and the physical detail escapes my awareness so am I in reality, so will I breathe to practice being aware of my own automated words/behaviours?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about following an obvious detour of being born to make my own decisions, to following “masters”, only to end up requiring to immediate make my own decisions anyway, like even “masters” need me to breathe by myself, so in this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by creating a delusion to specifically justify me, following others and everything and everyone else except for myself.

I commit myself to when/as I see myself looking at other people while walking, to stop and breathe.  I realise that it is always my own decision to make if I follow another, have another’s words/behaviours affect my own words/behaviours, or if I take back responsibility for, in a way, doing my own appropriate research and only changing my words/behaviours according to my own participation which is like a perspective of what self responsibility entails.  I commit myself to only participate in words/behaviours as effects according to the equations that I have derived by myself, through my own appropriate research because if I steal from the research of others = I am stealing from myself in that by not respecting my own research and admitting the depth or lack of depth of my own research, I abdicate my own self responsibility and within/as me deciding to steal, I decide to become a slave which is positively framed as a follower/student/child/snake/rich kid.  So I commit myself to participate according to my own research alone, to apply the statement that if I sever this relationship I abdicate responsibility for myself, and in this also applying the statement that the foundation of my entire way of “life”/consciousness is my own actions and so I require to be absolutely conservative if/when deciding whether to change this relationship or not.  In this, I commit myself to realise that I should always be responsible for my actions, so I do not require to ever wonder to ignore myself or not, it is best for all to commit myself to base my words/behaviours “exclusively” on points I can trust in myself, one of those points has been breathing and my human body which I ignored completely.  In this I commit myself to realise that basing my words only on my own “stuff” is not selfish, it is an act of giving as I would like to receive because I wouldn’t want to be with a human being that does not take responsibility for his/her own thoughts/emotions/feelings, beliefs/judgments etc.  So in this, I commit myself to within/as basing my word/behaviours on my own work,  means directing myself to breathe/”think properly” when I am not breathing, not run frantically asking how to breathe properly because I would perceive a person to be more giving if they took care of their own situation when they are not breathing with their own lungs properly, the point is I commit myself to base my words/behaviours on my own work as an absolute fact, with no debate possible, fascinatingly doing this for myself is not selfish, it is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inferiorize myself as what I can do for myself to/towards complete strangers where I would believe them if they act as if they are experts at something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support my own delusion that experts are people that act and have all the appearances of experts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as I judge a complete stranger to be an expert, to trust everything that person says even if the moment is me, walking past a person with an appearnce that I like, as an expert appearance according to my own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people from the starting point of my own self interest where in this moment, I was looking at people from the starting point of can you direct me to the best places to eat, from the perspective of where I will not eat unsafe food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people from the starting point of fear, where out of fear of an IDEA of people at restaurants, holding that in my Mind as a negative polarity, I create in myself an attraction to the positive polarity as people with appearances that trigger in myself the conclusion, “this person knows what he/she is talking about when he/she says don’t go there to eat.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a slave that has to eat three times a day, and must participate with people at restaurants where I imagine these people at these restaurants to be complete experts at judging me, and within this triggering also my accepted and allowed belief that the food served at all restaurants are personality based, where I would then judge myself as having an “inappropriate personality” to eat safe food anywhere, and then I react to myself in fear when I compare myself and try to fit myself into my idea of people at restaurants.  In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

Day 1: Go Out To Eat Breakfast

Event 1

I went to a cafe, and at the cafe I ordered breakfast.
– spotted a person with pink highlights
– breakfast arrived
– I look at the soup I ordered
– convince myself there is drugs in the breakfast
– run away
– body hungry
– eat breakfast at the same place….
– spotted a person with pink highlights

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the person was sitting there just for me, out of the excuse that this person has pink highlights and according to my Mind, pink means I can talk with this person and he/she will teach me life lessons without introduction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the colour pink according to a person screaming at me, to instruct me to listen to what I have to say, because I am always talking to you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my entire world to be dedicated to teaching me life lessons, where I can be meeting total strangers like tourists and also selectively see what I want to see, to interpret that person as teaching me something to improve my life.

walking out on the street

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all people from the starting point of what are they trying to teach me, they are all trying to teach me on what to correct about my own living example to cooperate to, for example, walk across a large road without too much bumping into each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always turn my head sideways, out of the excuse that everyone, in every breath, is requesting to talk to me, to talk about what I need to correct about myself to get out of my own personality suits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I can rush myself to change by/through listening to everyone else at the cost of stopping listening to my own common sense which do not require words, like I can’t say anything to deceive anyone but myself when I am breathing in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that what is supposed to happen, such as my own expectation that walking outside is simply me, walking out to absorb some sunlight and move my body, is what this world is, in separation from each person that I walk past.  In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with how I place my foot on the ground – which is like one instant of the way I walk to project my delusions of how pretty I apparently am because of such clothing and how I move which is an entire personality suit which I had to layer into myself with words as thoughts repeatedly in my own head over YEARS to convince myself of my delusion to at least project a fake image – I am definitely obsessed with how I place one foot on the ground in one iota, yet I failed to understand how carefully another person places everything to, for example, communicate without using spoken words.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so preoccupied with how I place my own foot on the ground, with multiple thoughts in my head at the same time but in one breath, that I actually FAIL myself to see what is AROUND me, as body language theory taken to an absolute EXTREME where 1 language + 1 sequence of numbers on car plates (and if there’s not enough space, have multiple cars driving together behind each other to complete their sentences) = body language but actually nonverbal language taken to extreme precision and timing with my own thoughts, and IN THIS, a person or GROUP can work together, if they REALLY WANTED to talk with me with numbers, time their cars and direct the environment SO THAT when I blink out of my delusion, when I stop being so preoccupied with how I place my foot on the ground, one GROUP of people can DECIDE and AGREE together to do what needs to be done to catch my attention – the short timespan when I stop THINKING about placing my foot on the ground – COMMUNICATE with me = direct and take responsibility as admit to THEMSELVES, that I am delusional, I’m fucking thinking all these thoughts about one TINY moment BUT for a moment I’m back in physical reality, LET’S time our “car message” so when the button is pressed – like a computer program – the message appears in that person’s MIND/computer because LET’S be honest with OURSELVES, we and I can do NOTHING to change that person’s MIND, but I can work WITH the person’s preprogrammed memories, WE WANT to talk with him, I know his program, he’s deluding himself when he’s placing his foot on the ground but part of the program is he is awake for a single moment, LET’S attract his eyes to the cars WE will drive, have another fucking person activate his program, be in his limited vision, WE can trust he can read these license plates/”sequence of numbers” so WE can talk with him.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I can direct my own delusion when I place my foot on the ground WITHOUT understanding how I created myself as reflected in placing my foot on the ground.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore/separate myself from the fact that if I programmed myself, to have delusions while placing one foot on the ground + vocabulary = others can furthermore input messages to challenge my delusions which I already imprisoned myself into/as, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to/towards the fact that my preprogramming is always being challeneged with messages that are simply messages, but if a GROUP really want to, they can input messages to interrupt my program, one tiny part of which is how I place my foot on the ground.  In this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that because I accepted and allowed my foot on the ground program, and translate numbers into words = I am creating myself to be apparently “forced” to hear these messages, from the perspective that I cannot deny the physical reality part of my program, when I look somewhere and always where I seem to decide where I look, a GROUP of people keep lining up their cars to these messages, and I cannot deny that I am reading the license plates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my trust into nonverbal messages, where I would actually pause and change direction because of these nonverbal messages.

I forgive myself that AI have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate parts of my physical participation like where do I walk, to these nonverbal messages MOST of which undermined my own initial motivation to eat, where I spent my own time looking for food EVERYWHERE and throughout = also looking for a way to break my own delusions in these messages at the same time, to no effect, NO EFFECT, whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that BEFORE some GROUP keeps wanting to talk to me NONSTOP, from the INSTANT I wake up, the parts of myself that I DID change permanently, like stopping smoking cigarettes but with personalities like stopping being a pretty boy which NOT EVERYONE  subscribes to yet they make their living, THE ONLY WAY I changed myself was with writing with a DIE HARD purpose to STOP trying to be a pretty boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am apparently rebelling by stopping being a pretty boy, by/through MY OWN EFFORT to write WORD by WORD, SENTENCE by SENTENCE, to ACCOUNT for MYSELF through MY OWN writing, to get honest with myself, because what do I know = I was not born obsessed to flick my hair, from birth to now I somehow DECEIVED myself into believing that I will die if I do not flick my hair when I feel confused for example, but I flick my hair most of the time beceause water drips into my hair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own common sense on the back burner, to instead listen to some voice that exists in the SAME reality, in the form of pictures and words and numbers – if a GROUP can agree to communicate to my delusions with numbers, WHY NOT paint a picture with real props/pictures, mutter words, time them together to speak paragraphs not just “Hello world”.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value these nonverbal messages, MORE THAN the direct living reality of the way I breathe, where will I WALK MYSELF to eat, how will I chew my food, what order will I eat my food, creating for myself, effects like spending hours to find what to eat, avoid the careless poking drills into a person’s program.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an abstract yet real idea of who I will be, and leaning on these nonverbal messages to apparently teach me life lessons, when all they in fact do – so what I am in fact doing continuously – is exposing myself to messages that challenge my preprogramming, in the face of the possibility of a GROUP, like a group of students, having malicious intent to maybe jack off to seeing how this person is moving because of what I know that he doesn’t and where this group of students can maybe not care AT ALL if I change myself for REAL and rather jack themselves off…..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the PHYSICAL evidence that I am the living example of, that me, allowing some GROUP of students with malicious intent for example, the permission to influence my program to end up spending hours walking, in some delusional hope that they will fix my delusions for me, YET I am also the living example that I have only changed if I write MY OWN stuff to UNDERSTAND, for example, why am I so emotionally invested in looking pretty, and this is SAFE because I was ALLOWED to delude myself, so I will be allowed to undelude myself, no mathematical possibility of rebelling.

About This Blog

This blog is dedicated to support myself out of a tainted vocabulary where, by my own hands, I developed an oversensitivity to my environment.  So, based on my own observation, my curiosity to investigate all things and keep that which is good, that which is best for all, I went a bit too far and redefined my vocabulary to, for example, selectively hear statements spoken about a cup of milk tea, to basically always scare the shit out of myself to not drink the milk tea.

So, in a way, this is my own test to see the potential of writing to, from any stage of any self delusion, re-educate myself to take back responsibility for my own human nature, one part at a time.  This blog, at the time of writing this, will focus on ONE mental disorder, the one that is causing me to scare myself out of more and more parts of participation that I have always done, so becoming more and more like a hermit.